Terrorist Busters

The image of the terrorist buster logo from the CIA website that Crikey reproduced today was just too much for me to resist.

Picturing President Bush, Prime Minister Howard and Paul Wolfowitz as the daft but lovable Venkman, Stantz and Spengler can’t be a missed opportunity.

One by one, Bush, Wolfowitz and Howard come down the tightly winding, old iron staircase. They are scared. Books are strewn all over the floor.

The books start to slide forward then the whole shelving unit topples over and almost crushes the team under a ton of books. They jump to safety.

BUSH
Nice.
(out loud)
Hello...

WOLFOWITZ looks at his meters and silently points at a dark aisle intersecting the one they're in. The team inches toward it.

WOLFOWITZ
It's here.

They stop at the corner.

The team peeks around the corner and looks toward camera.

An ethereal Osama bin Laden like presence is hovering between the stacks about four feet off the ground. It seems to waver on the edge of being and non-being, then a large legless, headless torso begins to emerge.

BUSH, HOWARD and WOLFOWITZ stand there amazed.

HOWARD
(whispers)
What is it?

BUSH
It looks like a big pair of breasts and a pot belly.

A head and arms begin to form. The apparition is now unmistakably a full-bodied, somewhat elderly Osama bin Laden, tinted beard and all.

WOLFOWITZ
It's Osama.

He edges closer to take valence readings. HOWARD starts snapping infra-red photos of it.

HOWARD
(excited)
I told you it's real.

BUSH
(whispers)
What do we do now?

HOWARD
(whispers back)
I don't know. Talk to it.

BUSH
(nods in agreement then
hesitates)
What do I say?

HOWARD
Anything! Just make contact.

BUSH
(takes a deep breath, then
addresses the specter)
Hey, Osama?
(the apparition turns and
seems to look right past
them)
Osama! Can you talk? Who are you?
(no answer)
(to HOWARD)
This is not working. Think of something else.

HOWARD
(sotto voce)
Okay. Okay. I got it. I know what to do.
Stay close. I have a plan.

He starts moving closer to the apparition. BUSH and WOLFOWITZ edge closer, fighting their fear. They stop just a few feet from the vision.

HOWARD (CONT'D)
(whispers)
Okay, now do exactly as I say. Everybody
ready?

BUSH & WOLFOWITZ
Ready.

HOWARD
Okay...
(shouts)
GET HIM!!!

He leaps at the apparition. BUSH and WOLFOWITZ jump reflexively at almost the same moment but they all end up on the floor grabbing at thin air.

Osama drops back a few feet, looms up into a raging demon like specter and blasts them with a rush of hot breath as he mouths a single word.

THE GHOST
(roars)
QUIET!

BUSH, HOWARD and WOLFOWITZ scream and fall backwards.

They burst through the doors and onto the broad steps, terrified and exhilarated by their first real contact with the supernatural. Tony Blair rushes out the door after them and chases them down the steps.

TONY BLAIR
(very agitated)
Did you see it? What was it?

BUSH
We'll get back to you.