Get your head around this bit of kulcha!

"A 45 minute performance, featuring over 200 young performers and famous artists representing Australia's contemporary arts industry, culture and heritage will be showcased to Leaders, delegates and officials during APEC Leaders Week," the APEC media release says.

"750 guests, in addition to Leaders from the 21 APEC Member Economies, will gather at Sydney Opera House on Saturday 8 September to view the performance which crosses many genres from Classical Music, Modern Dance, Music Theatre, Ballet and Opera.

"Under the direction of Artistic Director, Stuart Maunder, Executive Producer of Opera Australia, the performance, titled My Island Home will provide a snapshot of modern Australia and feature a show stopping finale of the classic song sung by the well-known recording artist Christine Anu.

"At the conclusion of the cultural performance, a brief "River of Fire" fireworks display will light up Sydney Harbour to mark the conclusion of the APEC Australia 2007 year, at the same time as Leaders and VIPs attend official dinners. "

How bloody awful. If I was a delegate, I'd be avoiding that engagement like the plague and heading up to Surry Hills to get a taste of the local action. Just imagine what Vladimir Putin would be thinking as he listened to Christine Anu pumping out My Island Home. Checkov - eat your heart out!

Not, that I imagine, this is any of Stuart Maunder's fault. He was probably given a brief from the Office of Prime Minister and Cabinet which probably said something along the lines of "we want the kulcha bit to be like the Olympic opening ceremony. We can't give you too much money but singing is good. Dancing is good. Kids are good (especially curly headed ones coming down from the roof). Didgeridoo's are good. But if we see that bloody Peter Garrett in some pyjamas any where near that bloody stage, you'll get it!"

One of the acts that will be presented to the APEC leaders on Saturday will immerse the Concert hall in darkness as "young soloist, Robert Adam, will begin an unaccompanied version of the iconic Australian song, 'You're the Voice'".

Dear god.

Maunder appears to have used his influence to get a bit serious, pulling rank and acquiring the skills of Simon Tedeschi, Bangarra Dance Company, the wonderful Emma Matthews and the Australian Ballet, but it's clear where most of the directive has come from.

In fact, it appears that Putin nor Bush will be anywhere near the kulcha activities. Bush is jetting off home early and Putin might be getting a dose of kulcha in his own special way.

As Crikey reported yesterday, "while many Sydney CBD businesses are crying fowl because of the APEC presence, some of Sydney's brothel barons are cock-a-hoop at the potential for big business during the forum. Brothels located outside of the city's declared and restricted zones, particularly in Surry Hills, have been fielding phone calls from overseas for the past two weeks."

In fact "due to the expected increase in patronage many of Sydney's best ladies will not be availing themselves of the APEC public holiday on Friday as it is a peak earning period."

So for those delegates getting their hands dirty around Surry Hills over the week, there are a plethora of other cultural events in Sydney. I hear the drag shows down the road in Erskineville are excellent. There's a fantastic show only a stones throw away in Redfern which explores the Australian culture of paying bribes to Saddam Hussein and there's another very good show on at the Darlinghurst Theatre that follows the adventures of four marines on assignment to assassinate a Middle Eastern leader known as 'the bearded lady'.

River of Fire indeed.